I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
Randomize
