there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
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