If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
