I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
Randomize
