My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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