The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
i think we sleep fucked last night...
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
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