she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
