I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Randomize
