ARI BLEW A 2.0 HAHAHAHAHAHHAHH THESE COPS ARE SO COOL!!!!
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Randomize
