We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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