I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
what day is it and did you see me today?
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
