his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
