I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
Ketchup is God's man juice
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
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