Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Randomize
