How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
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