The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
