I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Randomize
