Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
