How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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