i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
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