I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
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If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
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What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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