he's 24. he finally texted me instead of using facebook chat. baby steps.
Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Randomize
