There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
