the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
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