just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
Randomize
