I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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