I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Randomize
