I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
