at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
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