When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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