I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
Randomize
