I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
So again no comment on the cleavage. I'm a bit disappointed. If those girls come together to make cleavage AND I send you a pic of it, you have to comment on it. That's like relationship 101.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Randomize
