either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
