the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
