I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
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