Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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