and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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