So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
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I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
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