Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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