I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
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