You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
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