I'm gonna have a badass scar
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
