my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
