listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
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