We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
Randomize
