If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Randomize
