It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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