she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
Randomize
