i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
I need a beard to bite.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Randomize
