: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
Randomize
