i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
I got her a Nickelback box set.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Randomize
