i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Randomize
