i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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