At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
he shaved USA in his pubs
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
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