Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
let me know it goes. try not to get bit. and if you can, get someone to videotape it.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
Randomize
