on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
how do you play pong handcuffed?
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
