everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Randomize
