I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Randomize
